She’s Still Preoccupied With–(Only) 19, 19–1985

Let’s get one thing straight: if there is a golden age of film-making and creativity, it was 1980-1989.  (The 90s weren’t bad either–I mean–they gave us Space Jam, Surf Ninjas and Me, so I’ll allow it.)

And if the 80s weren’t the literal best then explain to me why all they try to do now are re-make their movies? Or why the single greatest action/comedy/fantasy film of all time was created in 1987?

There is one problem with the 80s.  Their films are timeless, but their stars are not.  It’s all well and good to be crushing on those hunks on the silver screen, until you imdb it realize they’re old enough to be your dad (or your grandfather) but, for a few minutes, let’s pretend they will forever be the cute little babies we see on screen by counting down my favorite righteous radical tubular dude film stars.

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7. Labyrinth is good for so many reasons, but you can’t tell me David Bowie’s Magic Dance didn’t make you want to risk the bog of eternal stench. We all know who the REAL “babe” in this film was.  Just look at that blow-out, and that perfect winged eyeliner.  He’s prettier than me.

rob lowe

6. He works hard and he’s loyal, swoon babygirl and he’ll catch you.  Could Rob Lowe be any cuter, even with a stupid ass name like Sodapop? (Seriously S.E. Hinton, the greaser gang violence was more relatable to post-1960s teens than these kids’ street names.)

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5. Josh Brolin may have had the name of a boring cereal in Goonies, but he sure kept our attention. And let’s be honest: there was no way any of us would pull an Andy and swap spit with Mikey ACTUALLY THINKING IT WAS BRAND COME ON.

breakfast club

4. Everyone’s favorite bad boy Judd Nelson.  How long has it been since he washed that flannel?  I don’t even care.  If it’s good enough for Molly Ringwald it’s good enough for us. To be fair, casting a 26-year-old as a high school student is always gonna make them look good, but let’s just imagine if he WAS roaming the halls at your alma mater.emilio estevez

Honorable Mention: Emilio Estevez.  Jocks weren’t exactly my type, but hey, he made the tough-guys-cry-too thing work.  Just look at that pout.  It gives Eugene Fitzherbert’s smolder a run for it’s money.

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3. Dudes can have daddy issues too.  Ask Mandy Patinkin.  He spent an entire lifetime seeking revenge on “the six-fingered man.” Just imagine how dedicated he would be to you, girlfriend.

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2. Val Kilmer as Madmartigan was like if Braveheart wore Elvira’s wig and it WORKED. Plus he looked fly as hell holding that baby, total dad material.  Not to mention he would later become the literal voice of GOD (which is not the only reason you should watch Prince of Egypt, you also get to hear Voldemort sing).

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1. Cary Elwes is the original BAE.  He #did ALL that for his true love, all the while making that little mustache look 100% less creepy than it does on 99% of men.

tom selleckHonorable Mention: Tom Selleck for rocking the only other acceptable 80’s facial hair–the porn star stache–on Magnum P.I. Perks: he drove a “bitchin’ convertible” and had a beach house.

 

 

So let’s be honest.  The 80s were the prime of American film.  And hotties.  And if you were born post-Berlin wall and haven’t seen these films…I’m sorry your parents don’t love you, but you’re an adult now, go out and make some good decisions with your life.

–MK–

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